One day Runner was running up Green Mountain searching for divine inspiration. Runner ran so high and so fast that he passed out and when he came to God was standing over him. Runner asked God how to tell if he truly was a runner and God said unto him, follow these Ten Commandments and you shall be all a runner is. And Student thanked God and it was good. And Student spread the Ten Commandments of Running to all.
I- Thou Shalt Nap
And God gave unto Runner a great gift, the gift
of napping. God said to him, You shall spend half
your day napping. You shall nap in class,
in your room and in your friend's room. God said to Runner, "It is only logical that you nap, for you run more than all the other lazy students and yet they nap, so nap you shall." And Runner said, "Nap I should," and it was good.
II- Thou Shalt Read Running With the Buffaloes
Runner asked unto God, "Lord where do I get my inspiration?" and God delivered the second commandment, "Thou Shalt Read Running With the Buffaloes. For Running With the Buffaloes," said God, "is the greatest running book of all, and ye shall learn from its pages." And Runner asked were he should find such a book and God said at Barnes and Noble, and it was good.
III- Thou Shalt Piss...A Lot
God said unto Runner, "Thou Shalt Piss A Lot," and Runner asked why. "It is simple, " said God, "In order for you to run so far you must be hydrated, and being hydrated means you must piss...a lot." And Runner asked what he should do if there was no bathroom around and God replied, "You runner, you must piss in public." And Runner was shocked and replied, "But Lord, what if there are others around?" and God replied, "Find a tree and stop being such a pussy," and it was good.
IV- Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Fellow Runner's Lover
And Runner asked unto God, "Lord what must I speak of during long runs?" And God replied, "Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Fellow Runner's Lover, but they shalt talk about doing just this during thy long runs." "You see," said God, "You must talk about violating thy other runner's family members for this is the highest level of friendship that exists. Blessed are the funny because they make runs pass the quickest." And Runner was pleased, and it was good.
V-Thou Shalt Not Exhibit Pussitus
Runner asked of God, "Lord what must I do if I am hurting?" And to this God replied, "Thou Shalt Not Exhibit Pussitus. You see," said God, " there is a difference between an injury and pain. You must think of everything as pain for it is only natural that you will be hurting all the time. If the pain continues for a week you may be injured, in which case you may seek treatment, but," said God, "if you complain all the time you are exhibiting pussitus, for which ye shalt be smited." Runner shook his head in agreement, and it was good.
VI- Thou Shalt Puke
Runner inquired about the sixth commandment and God said, "Thou Shalt Puke." And Runner asked why and God replied, "It is only natural that you should puke if you run all the time. You see," said God, "there will be times when you run hard, or do not feel well, and because of this ye shall puke. But ye shall also feel proud after puking because ye will be filled with satisfaction, or feel much better, and ye shall tell many stories to thy fellow runners of the great puke and how it was so." And Runner understood, and it was good.
VII- Thou Shalt Not High School Kick
Runner asked of God, "How must I race?" And to this God replied, "Thou shalt race with thine heart, and run every step as hard as possible. Thou Shalt Not," said God, "High School Kick for this is a punk bitch way to win a race." And Runner asked what would happen if he did, and God angrily replied, "Thou shalt be smited and haunted by the ghost of Steve Prefontaine for the rest of thine career." To this Runner lowered his head, and it was good.
VIII - Thou Shalt Be Uncomfortable All of the Time
Runner asked of the pain and world in which he would run and God said unto him, "Thou Shalt Be Uncomfortable All of the Time. For the weather shalt always be too hot or too cold or too windy, and rarely will a day exist that is perfect. And the vans in which thou will travel will be small and cramped, and thou shalt always be in pain from the training you will go through." And to this Runner began to weep, but God ensured there would be other runners going through the same pain and also reminded runner of the fifth commandment. And Runner ceased to cry, and it was good.
IX- Thou Shalt Eat Dirt
God said unto Runner, "Thou Shalt Eat Dirt." And Runner asked why, and to this God replied, "Runner, you will go on many crazy runs with many different surfaces, and these surfaces will make you trip and fall, and you will eat dirt. You will probably bleed, and feel like a dumbass for falling in front of many other runners." Runner began to become angry and God said, "Runner do not be angry for you will witness this more than you do it, and these will be joyous times, for you shalt point and laugh at the expense of others, and they shalt you when you eat dirt. Also," said God, "You will look back at laugh at these times and also tell stories of these incidents to others in the name of running." And Runner smiled widely, and it was good.
X- Thou Shalt Get Thy Ass Kicked
And Runner wished to hear the final commandment
and God said he would not like it. But Runner insisted,
so God said unto him, "Thou Shalt Get Thy Ass Kicked." To this statement Runner began to weep profusely. "However," said God, "Thou shalt also kick ass, for you see there is always someone better, but also always someone worse. Thou will not win every race, not even close, but the satisfaction is not only in winning, but in working your ass off and doing better than thou once did. You see," said God, "running is not necessarily about being fast, but about doing something few have the ability to do, and doing this to the best of thine ability." To this Runner was ecstatic, and it was good.
This is the word of God, follow these Commandments and thou shalt be declared a true runner.
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